One Stop Shop for EssJayy Productions

Today, I literally felt as though I was Nola Darling from She’s Gotta Have It, a Spike Lee joint. I used to feel this way in undergrad. Perhaps at the time, in undergrad, I appreciated the attentions but as I have matured, I will say that sure the attention was cool, but I would rather just have one person. What do I mean, as I beat around the bush? I mean that, there might be 3 interests, (when there used to be zero), and all of them have great aspects to them that bring excitement. Or what I used to say was that all things that I appreciate in the options I had, I would rather have that person in a one- and honestly just marry that person. Its really interesting that in undergrad, I wasn’t celibate and definitely had friends that I would always be hanging out with, but as I have gotten older, I have decided that I will remain abstinent from sex until I find the One. If someone is intimidated but hat and doesn’t want to be with me, then guess what, you’re not the one. Being in this predicament has been seemingly more boring but for example, one of the ” options” which is so weird to even say, actually holds all character traits in someone I would marry. I am not looking to date to get to know, I am looking to date to marry. I am putting my foot down. I pray that others follow suit. I wish I never ever, ever made the mistake of having sexual intercourse with someone who does not love me and does not want to spend the rest of their life with me. Not to mention the many times I have gone on birth control- and for what? I have been hospitalized multiple times from attempting birth control and experimenting and honestly, never again. Okay Okay, literally later today, I will be attempting something new, but I am glad, that a doctor was stating that what I will be partaking in, is a form of taking care of my body and giving it the nutrients it needs. I am very intrigued with how this will go and I am hoping that my experience isn’t nearly as bad as many others have mentioned and I hope that I will just feel rejuvenated right after and be able to play really well in the volleyball game(s) later on in the day. No one else knows that I will be doing this. I hope that later, I will be Abel to have this set up int he comfort of my own house, and be able to put other nutrients as well. Again, I know, I am all over the place with this blog post, but it’s because I have taken quite a bit of a break. I do plan on writing more often and especially at first job. I anyone asks, I am working on a project for the agency, because technically, I am. …

7.11.2025

What an interesting week or so it has been. I feel as though I have been all over Colorado. JK, but I definitely feel as though I have come across a lot of energies and have learned so much in the past few days. In the current moment as I continue through my overnight shift, I am feeling more comfortable again socializing, I feel as though last week, during July 4th, I was feeling very antisocial and isolated myself. I feel as though, those who actually care to check on me, would have know what was up with me and definitely would not have taken it personally. When it comes to my first job, I have completely detached and will no longer be putting effort that they expect from me in this role. I am excited to embark on a new role. I want that to be very clear with the project I am currently working on that that is the case and I for sure informed the Director about that. I am taking on this project and basically spearheading this and I am the one to put action behind it. I have to remember that this is still the same agency that has wrung me out like a rag on multiple occasions and also have overworked, unpaid and under appreciated em over years and still is doing so. Though I am the right person for the job, I do however believe that This might be a great opportunity to finally be in a field where my skills will be appreciated and paid a livable wage.

What a great weekend. It was July 4th on a Friday and I would say that I prefer having a 3-day weekend with Friday being the day off rathe than Monday. Though, I am writing this on a Monday and I wish I was in a cafe right now, but I am in a training at my job for Motivational Interviewing. For those of you who do not know what Motivational Interviewing is, it is a style that is used in my field and other fields to collaboratively have a conversation with people and support them in identifying the ambivalence to change, and perhaps also their current and next stage of change. I love this training, for I have completed many, but the in person ones are great. The trainer is an LCSW LAC. I am working on my LAC and license as well, however, I have had unforeseen roadblocks in my recent academic journey. Any who, I really suggest learning more about Motivational Interviewing and also learning the skill style to be able to support your family and friends and people int he community that might seem to benefit from this style and get them to their next steps and get the juices flowing. I have a friend whom, I would like to support more in their stages of change, they don’t necessarily have an unhealthy behavior, but they have mentioned their desire to change how they are living, but seem to not take action. Perhaps they’re not telling, but I hope to use this style more in my personal life as well so that it comes more naturally in my work. I wish people would utilize it on me. It would need to be someone who is comfortable with this style because I know, depending on the reflection, I might be very defensive. I just know that if someone literally reflects back what I am saying, and I haven’t recognized what I ave stated, I might feel some type of way. I’m glad I have decided to take this training once again because it actually doesn’t feel like a refresher. Speaking of refresher, I got the Starbucks Summer Skies Drink again and WOW is it HOT outside. It says 75 degrees but it feels like it’s 100 degrees. I took a selfie with my sunroof open, and I literally started sweating just from taking the selfie and posting it.

7.2.25, 7.3.25

It’s insane how uneventful today was. I was of course at some point slightly frustrated, but I am glad that recently, I have been able to recognize when I feel like I want to say something that might be a negative contribution or feedback but with passionate emotions. I was able to get to a lot of content today so I am super excited for that. I was chewing gum, Neuro Gum, and was up last night (7.2.25) until like 3 am. I was laser focused without feeling wired. I love how that feeling felt, going into the next day. If you want to try out Neuro Gum, I have linked right here. I also fell in love with Comfrt Clothing. If you haven’t invested in a very comfortable hoodie, that has material that will last long and have many washes, and still feel comfortable. Not to mention, it’s even heavily weighted, so to me, it feels like you’re just getting a hug. I am sharing this to share new finds, for I live in comfort and luxury and I am blessed to have the life that I live, Glory be to God. I am working on being more positive, for I have found myself at many times, complaining and being pessimistic. I feel as though when I am productive and accomplishing things, for myself, I feel better and continue to find more ways to feel better. I feel as though momentum matters, and these days, though we can blame others for literally anything, the only person that can stop your momentum is you. Regardless of the situation… I may also be writing this in case someone from works sees this. But even the thought of work, I feel, is what has shifted as well.– I have been blessed to have 2 and a half jobs, and be in both of them for some time to be able to do the work with efficacy and efficiency. This allows me to do other things like tackle my goals. Yes, of course some of you might be thinking, why not do more work. Simple answer is that I do not get more pay for doing more work. In fact, I feel When I first start working somewhere, I go HAM in the work, and at times outdo the work that previous employees are doing, I recognize operations and find cracks and make it more efficient, I have done this with a team, after sharing how I make the work more efficient, however it wasn’t appreciated. I have now accepted that, and that’s okay, I know my worth. I always left like I did but, I never walked the walk. would just talk the talk…. sometimes. You gotta be it to believe it- if you know what I mean. I remember I used to always hear that on MONAT team calls. How we would manifest the life we can, but you had to believe it to see it. That is literally always there case, I feel as though there have been so many things in my life that I wanted to be and I would dabble. I used to be the Jacqueline of all trades, and be told all the time that I needed to focus on one thing. That would irk me all the time because I loved learning new things. Nothing ever really had my sole interest. I would say, my main job perhaps, however, if I don’t run the program or the organization, then I probably don’t have all that much interest in it. It could be my toxic trait, but I definitely do seek out flaws and try to solve it. I used to try to solve it for others, but then again, I just solve it for myself. How do I mean, I mean like the PSH Communications Planner, that turned into a spreadsheet that I have created for myself, and decided to share it with my team, and now we completely do other operations because of how I have been able to put everything in one place in a one stop shop that the t=entire can support to contribute to and not just me. I digress.

Today, July 1st, 2025, my grandfather’s birthday, a day that I remember in history as the day that I arrived in Colorado to begin my new life, and now a day when my brother also is starting a new chapter in his life; was a day of ups and downs. I started off early around 2 am, falling asleep on a livestream on TikTok, after taking my supplements and snacking on sweets (the Dubai chocolate bar in a jar, all linked below*) and waking up early and snoozing my alarm a million times. The night before was playoffs for one of my volleyball teams, we unfortunately did not win, but it was fun to hangout one more time with that particular group of people.

Work started off with me being right on time, arriving at 9:00 am on the dot (I am typically late, which is a storytime for later) and the meeting felt very dictator-y. How do I mean, I mean by the people running the meeting. In the past, the entire team would eagerly participate int he meeting, however this meeting was more of a disciplinary meeting which grinned my gears. I am very outspoke, and I typically am the voice of most of my program’s team, once I realized the impact of certain decisions on us-the employees and the clients; I became the angry black woman in the office for even speaking up at all. I digress, I’ll save it for the podcast. I decided to not say a word during the meeting. I felt as though it was just a meeting of folks informing the team that we are in trouble for an incident that no one had control over. The blame was placed on us due to many employees not being in the office. There were indeed employees in the office, however, not everyone was. In fact, I had just left the office to be in the field and was informed of what happened upon return to the office. Long story short, I recognize that our supervisors were also not in the office as well, and what was triggering for me was the lack of accountability on their end. Yet, of course, we were receiving the reprimand. I won’t share where I work or exactly what I do, however, let’s just say that I work in direct services with an underserved, underrepresented population.

Upon leaving the meeting, I had a lot of harbored feelings, so I decided to take a walk, knowing that I would not be productive with the thoughts on my mind. I Actually, had the urge yet again to want to quit for the 17th time this week, and it’s a Tuesday.

I have an entrepreneurial mind, so me working with an agency for 8-4/ 9-5 work, is not like me, and I genuinely am surprised that I even have remained in this position for this long (3 years at the end of the year). It is simply because I truly do care about the population I serve. The thing that is not recognized is that we, but I’ll speak for myself, I bust my butt, supporting clients and maintaining administrative workloads for sh*t pay. This is expected in my failed, but actually other agencies pay their employees a livable wage, I have another job, and also many side hustles just to survive and slightly enjoy life. I have had conversations about this many times, and nothing has been done- yet**.

Anywhooo. I wanted to crash out and actually call my father to complain and let him know that I want to quit. My father understand my entrepreneurial mind, and remembers all of my entrepreneurial ideas. I wasn’t able to reach him at the time, rightfully so, so I decided to go on a prayer walk instead. I am so grateful that I mad ethics decision because, for one, I am seeking a more stress free life where those things that I care about at my day and night jobs, (workplace drama) that I am completely detached from it, and I become one of those, ” I’m just here so I don’t get fined” type of people, but more like, “I’m just here to do the job and go home” with out compromising the relationships with community partners and clients and rapport and trust I have built over the years The co-workers, well I have decided to remain to myself due to previous events that have literally driven sick. I will forever say, that all workplaces are unhealthy (toxic) however, for this agency it took me about a year and half to find where there are toxic tendencies.

My prayer walk took my mind off of things and I was able to to return to work I would say that I had a very productive day, and was able to mingle- I mean, case conference with another employee in a very professional, cordial manner. It was a grand conversation, with a co-worker I feel I can trust. I hope I don’t jinx that.

My breakfast was water, an avocado with seasoning on it, and a mango. I brought a Granny Smith apple with me, but wasn’t able to eat it, I feel having light, yet nutritious snacks throughout the work day helped me not spend money locally for lunch and also maintain my energy. I was able to debrief with my grandma, say hi to my other grandma and happy birthday of course to my grandfather. I was able to touch base and debrief about my whole day with my mother and father of course. however, there is a slight need to still discuss this so we will see.

Basically what I learned today is there’s more power in being silent. There is a caveat to this though. 1.) recognizing your worth 2.) being outspoken, 3.) being a leader and recognizing when to take a step, however that might look. I think it was helpful for me to keep my thoughts to myself, because Iw as able to refocus my energy on other pursuits and other work, I typically am not someone who would be on their phone during a meeting or even answering emails, however, I was finishing up admin work, answering emails, and fact checking during the meeting.